Unraveling Your Ball of Shame

Shame is a profound and complex emotion and, this is putting it politely. An intense feeling of inadequacy or unworthiness which is often accompanied by a sense of exposure or judgment manifesting as a pervasive belief that one is fundamentally flawed or unworthy. It frequently involves a feeling of being fundamentally flawed or defective. It is usually deeply rooted in a variety of factors, including personal failures, social comparisons, or critical feedback from others which we internalize and then inflict upon ourselves. Shame can impact our mental health and well-being. Over time, shame can impact our body language and lead to social withdrawal as a way to avoid vulnerability; never sharing your true self with the world suppressing your emotions

It can feel empowering to understand the nature of shame and its effects, and to develop effective strategies to support you in navigating and healing from this powerful emotion. In this blog post, I aim to explore the dynamics of shame with some strategies to help you to unravel your ‘'ball of shame’.

The Difference Between Shame, Guilt and Embarrassment

Unlike guilt, which is about feeling bad for a specific action or behaviour involving a feeling of remorse, shame is about feeling bad about oneself as a person.

Embarrassment results from social interactions such as tripping or stumbling your words; where you may be embarrassed in front of people, however, it does not feel like the situation involves your entire self.

Shame involves your whole self; where you may internalise feelings of guilt and/or embarrassment making the situation about your core identity and who you are as a person.

Embarrassment = ‘I looked wrong.’ Guilt = ‘What I did was wrong.’ Shame = ‘I am wrong.’

My Shame

When I started exploring my shame in counselling, I described it as a huge, heavy, messy woolen ball weighing me down. A ball of wool so tangled I did not know where or how to start unravelling it to make it smaller, lighter and more manageable.

My ball of shame had become so heavy it was weighing me down. Over the years, I internalised social interactions I had experienced, personal failures and comparisons I had experienced, each one becoming another string of wool added to my ‘wollen ball of shame’. My ball of shame created issues for me connecting with others, I recognized a strong internal critical voice constantly chirping away in my ear which impacted my behaviour. I had not realised my shame even caused me to walk with my head down; avoiding eye contact with others.

For myself, counselling has become an ongoing process of being kind to myself in a safe, non-judgmental space, giving myself grace and compassion each week. Creating a gentle internal voice slowly replacing my inner critical thoughts, gently pulling at one of these strings of wool slowly but surely unravelling my ‘wollen ball of shame’ to discover the root of each wollen thread. In doing so, each week I engage in therapy and self-work this massive heavy ball of wool shrinks smaller and smaller as it is slowly untangled.

The Impact of Shame

Shame can have significant repercussions for individuals’ mental health and behaviour. It often leads to:

• Avoidance, which can look like, avoiding situations or conversations that might trigger feelings of shame which can lead to isolation or emotional withdrawal

• Low Self-Esteem / Low Confidence

• Emotional Dysregulation which can manifest as mood swings, anxiety, and depression

• Maladaptive Behaviors such as engaging in harmful behaviours which can look like substance abuse or self-harm

Recognizing Shame in Therapy

The first step is identifying your shame. This can be challenging as shame can often be unconscious manifesting in other ways. Perhaps you can use an analogy like I did in counselling if this is helpful for you. Picture your shame, how does feels to you, what does it look or smell like? Each person's shame will feel different to them and be uniquely theirs. Once you have identified how your shame manifests in your relationship with self, others and your behaviour, you can then start to dig deep in therapy, exploring the potential root causes of your shame e.g. personal failures, social comparisons, or critical feedback from others.

My Top 10 Strategies for Addressing Shame

1. Identify The Roots: Work to uncover the origins of your feelings of shame. This might involve exploring past experiences, relationships, or societal pressures that contribute to your feelings of inadequacy

2. Recognise Your Triggers: Once you recognize what triggers your feelings of shame, work on removing these triggers from your life

3. Identify Your Inner Critic: Become aware of how you talk to yourself. Watch out for patterns of negative self-talk or self-blame/criticism. Notice the internal dialogue you have and, if it is overly harsh or critical work on changing the way you speak to yourself so you begin speaking to yourself in a more kind and compassionate way. It can help to write down your negative thoughts then, when feeling in a better head space, challenge these thoughts; write down opposing statements or, list examples of why these negative thoughts are untrue

4. Set Boundaries: Experiences of shame can undermine the development of healthy boundaries. To protect yourself from further shaming, explore your relational boundaries. Setting boundaries might look like verbalizing what is and is not ok for you when interacting with others or, simply saying no more often

5. Promote Connection: Shame can often lead to isolation as a way of avoiding potentially harmful social interactions where you may be shamed as a defense mechanism. By building healthy, supportive relationships and engaging in communities where you can experience acceptance and understanding you can hopefully slowly shrink your feelings of shame. Perhaps join a club or group where you regularly meet; you can search for these online or via your local library / community center, arrange coffee dates with friends or a regular phone call with a trusted person. Leaning on others and practicing self-compassion can reduce distress and foster a healthier relationship with yourself

6. Be Kind To Yourself: Develop self-compassion and kindness. Practices such as mindfulness and self-compassion exercises can help you to treat yourself with greater kindness and understanding. Journalling or, writing a compassionate letter to yourself are great exercises.

7. Practice Positive Self Affirmations: This can look like writing nice, kind words about yourself and placing them somewhere you will see each day. This can be whatever works best for you as each person is unique however, some examples are on post-it notes around your mirror or, a mini whiteboard on your fridge.

8. Build Upon Your Emotional Resilience: Develop coping strategies and resilience to manage and mitigate the impact of shame. This might include skills for emotional regulation such as practicing acceptance, forgiveness, gratitude and, allowing yourself and others to be ‘flawed’; everyone has flaws and makes mistakes

9. Practice Self Care: Eat well, rest and sleep when needed, avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms such as substance misuse or, self-soothing with counter productive activities such as shopping or gambling. Self-care looks different to everyone, it can be making yourself a home cooked meal, going for a run / hike out in nature, creating an at home spa experience, starting up a project which can be arts and crafts or DIY. These are just a few examples, however, you will know what works for you

10. Seek Support: Counselling can create a safe space for yourself to experience a trusting and non-judgmental relationship which is crucial. In counselling your counsellor will hopefully work with you to normalize the experience of shame, helping you to understand that shame is a common and human experience. Counselling can become a space to explore and express your feelings of shame without fear of criticism can have a profound impact

How Can Counselling Help With Shame

As already mentioned in this blog post, counselling can provide a safe, non-judgmental therapeutic space for you to explore your shame with another person without experiencing criticism. Working together with a counsellor, they will help you to normalise the experience, explore your relational boundaries, self-compassion, and the potential roots of your feelings of shame and create a space for you to gain alternative perspectives and, explore how to build strategies which build emotional resilience. Navigating the complexities of shame requires patience and sensitivity, but with the right counsellor for you, you can in time hopefully shrink your ‘woolen ball of shame’ so that it becomes smaller, lighter and does not weigh so heavy on the soul enabling you to create a profound difference in your life.