The Depths Of Anger - Understanding and Feeling Your Anger
The Anger Iceberg
In a world where the understanding of psychology and the human mind is on the rise, emotions are now more openly embraced as a part of the human experience, anger often remains a taboo subject being a complex and, misunderstood emotion. There is a well-known theory in counselling called the Anger Iceberg. This is a concept in psychology, suggesting that what we see on the surface—expressed anger, irritability, or even aggression—is just the tip of the metaphorical iceberg. Beneath the waterline, hidden from view, lie various underlying emotions, thoughts, and experiences contributing to the outward expression of anger. These hidden components may include feelings of hurt, fear, frustration, or insecurity.
One key aspect of the anger iceberg theory is recognizing anger as a secondary emotion. Often, anger surfaces as a protective mechanism, shielding us from more vulnerable feelings that we may find difficult to express. Exploring the primary emotions beneath anger is crucial for effectively understanding your anger and what it means to you, it is from here that you can learn to manage your anger.
Metaphors For Anger
Something I have experienced in the therapeutic sector is that each person tends to describe their anger differently. For example; I have heard others' anger being described as a wild beast, a bottle of fizzy drink waiting to explode, a scorpion with a nasty sting, and a bladed dagger, the list is endless because everyone’s anger is unique and individual to them. I enjoy hearing what other’s anger looks and feels like to them. I describe my anger as a blazing wall of fire, so fierce it can burn and permanently scar you…scary stuff and very far from an iceberg!
Understanding the intricacies of anger is crucial for helping yourself to navigate and manage this powerful emotion, myself included.
Anger and Society
I often find people are wary of talking about their anger, understandably so due to societal expectations. Women are shamed and given the message from a young age that women and girls are not to express anger for it is not ‘ladylike’. Society has long perpetuated the notion that females should maintain a facade of congeniality and avoid expressing anger at all costs. This has become a cultural norm and, from a young age this message is projected onto young girls, becoming an introjected value and condition of worth, …. ‘‘be a good girl’’. Therefore, from childhood girls are socialized to be polite, accommodating and nurturing whilst boys are encouraged to be assertive and confident, including when expressing anger. This stark contrast in societal expectations sets the stage for a gendered approach to emotional expression, where anger is deemed acceptable for males but discouraged for females with angry females being portrayed as irrational, emotional and even hysterical. This can have profound implications on the emotional well-being and empowerment of women and girls.
In my humble experience, people of colour have similar restrictions in feeling and expressing their anger again, due to societal expectations and incorrect myths such as people of colour are ‘'angry people’. This issue is deeply rooted in our history. Throughout history, expressions of anger among people of colour have been met with harsh consequences. The fear of reprisal or retaliation has forced many individuals to internalize and, avoid expressing their anger to avoid the risk of further marginalization in society or, endangerment. From slavery to civil rights movements, the suppression of anger for people of colour has been a survival mechanism in the face of systemic oppression. Incorrect and racist stereotypes (often depicted in mainstream media) portraying people of colour as aggressive, volatile or even dangerous have contributed to the stigma surrounding the expression of anger for people of colour. People of colour have been gaslit, with their lived experiences invalidated and denied, this further compounds the pressure on people of colour to suppress their anger for, when speaking out against injustice or, discrimination, they are often met with dismissal or deflection. This gaslighting further perpetuates the myth that anger amongst people of colour in response to injustice is exaggerated, further silencing them from expressing their anger.
(These topics could be covered in their own blog posts, to be honest!)
Unexpressed Anger
Because of the above (and most likely a thousand other reasons), people often bottle up their anger, the result being it can sometimes explode when least expected, like a fizzy bottle that has been shaken up over time, the cap suddenly pops off and the drink (anger) sprays all over the place. On the other hand, some suppress their anger. Internalizing anger can lead to feelings of guilt, shame and self-doubt, contributing to a cycle of diminished self-esteem and emotional distress such as anxiety depression or other mental health issues. Repressed anger can also manifest into physical symptoms, such as headaches or stomachaches. Most recently, I heard a controversial conversation debating whether repressed anger can manifest into even more serious physical health conditions such as MS and cancer.
Despite these challenges, there is power in reclaiming and expressing anger. As a society, by providing healing, supportive spaces for individuals to process and confront their anger, acknowledging and addressing the issue of how to healthily communicate and feel anger we can strive towards a place where individuals are free to express their emotions without fear of judgement or reprisal. Perhaps, we can move towards a space where anger can be transformed into empowerment and change.
Below are my top 10 effective strategies for safely feeling and better understanding your anger:
1. Accept and Acknowledge your Anger:
Give yourself a moment to acknowledge your feelings without judgment. Give yourself compassion, and accept you are feeling angry. Understand it is absolutely ok to feel angry and give yourself permission, allowing yourself to experience it fully
2. Take Time Out:
Taking time out when you are feeling angry can help by giving you space to feel your anger, process it, calm down and then, gain perspective
3. Get physical:
Take up a contact sport or exercise as a way to channel your anger outwards via your body. Physical activity is a great way to use up excess adrenalin. This could be kickboxing, going for a long run or walk, martial arts, self-defence classes or lifting weights in the gym. You could even visit a ‘rage room’ to channel your anger outwards physically. What about punching a pillow or letting out a primal scream? (this one is my absolute favourite!) How about getting creative and angrily throwing paint onto a blank canvas (Just be sure to wear old clothes and be willing to make an absolute mess!)
4. Notice Your Physical Warning Signs:
You might feel that your anger causes physical sensations like burning skin, clenching muscles, or nausea. You may notice a spike in adrenaline or physical energy levels. Make a note of your physical warning signs so, when they appear you can take a time out and practice your grounding or mindfulness techniques.
5. Emotional Awareness:
Developing emotional awareness can be vital. By recognizing and acknowledging the primary emotions beneath anger, you can gain insight into your emotional landscape, paving the way for healthier expression. Try drawing an anger iceberg. Exploring what emotions may be beneath your surface-level emotion of anger. What about creating a metaphor for your anger? What does it look like? Can you draw or paint it? Can you describe it in a poem or song? If you are angry at someone in particular, can you write them a letter, you do not ever have to share this with them, you can burn it afterwards or tear it up!
6. Practicing Stress Reduction and Mindfulness:
This may involve relaxation techniques such as meditation and deep breathing. An exercise such as yoga or, visualization exercises.
7. Seek Support:
Seeking counselling can provide you with a safe space to explore your anger with another person. If counselling is not for you, do you have a friend or family member you can safely confide in?
8. Identifying Triggers:
Take some time to identify specific triggers that provoke your anger. Write them down then take some time to explore these triggers, If your anger is having a negative impact on your life, are there ways of removing these triggers from your life or, learning to manage these triggers
9. Practice Grounding Techniques:
Practicing deep breathing. Box breathing is a common and effective deep breathing exercise. It involves breathing in slowly as profoundly as you can to the count of four, holding for a count of four, breathing out slowly to the count of four, and holding once more for a count of four. This breathing exercise can be repeated as often as you need,
10. Write it All Down:
Journaling may help you notice patterns in your thinking. When angry, remove yourself from the situation, sit down, and write out your thoughts and feelings. Some people find it therapeutic to journal with paper and pen to slow themselves down. Others might use a phone or computer to get their thoughts out quickly and conveniently.
Unraveling the layers of the anger iceberg empowers us to towards a more nuanced understanding of our emotions. Anger is a natural, healthy emotion and can be a healthy response to some situations. By acknowledging anger as a secondary emotion and addressing the underlying factors, we pave the way for transformative growth and effective anger management. Remember, beneath the surface of anger lies a rich tapestry of emotions waiting to be explored and understood.
