My Garden of Peace - Relational boundaries
‘‘People who react negatively to your boundaries are the ones who need them the most’’
Let me say that again…….
‘‘People who react negatively to your boundaries are the ones who need them the most’’
So, what are relational boundaries and why are they necessary?
Relational boundaries foster a sense of self-respect and are a form of self-care often overlooked until clients explore this in a counselling room. Boundaries are important when maintaining healthy and respectful relationships. Boundaries allow us to feel safe and respected both physically and emotionally. Boundaries ensure your needs and values are acknowledged and honoured. Having clear boundaries in relationships can prevent misunderstandings, conflicts, and burnout.
Relational boundaries serve several purposes:
1. Protecting Personal Space
They define the physical and emotional space that is yours alone. This can include your home, your body, and your emotional well-being.
2.Maintaining Emotional Health
Boundaries help you manage and express your feelings, allowing you to set limits on what you find acceptable in terms of emotional support or engagement.
3.Respecting Autonomy
They safeguard your ability to make choices and decisions independently, without feeling pressured or controlled by others.
4. Preserving Relationships
Healthy boundaries are essential in relationships because they ensure that both parties respect each other's needs and values. They also help prevent codependency and resentment
5. Preventing Burnout: Boundaries are vital in work and social contexts to avoid overcommitment, burnout, and exhaustion.
Setting and communicating boundaries involves expressing your needs, expectations, and limits clearly and assertively. It can be a proactive way to prevent conflicts, protect your well-being, and foster healthier interactions with others. However, it's important to strike a balance between setting boundaries and remaining open to compromise and understanding in your relationships.
My Garden ofPeace
When I was training to become a counsellor a profoundly beautiful analogy was presented to our class. One which I still reflect upon to this day whenever I contemplate the importance of setting boundaries. The garden of peace.
In the past, before I had grasped the concept of relational boundaries, my garden of peace resembled a desolate patch of land. It was unloved, not tended to and destroyed. It was open to anyone and everyone, others had unrestricted access. People came and went as they pleased stomping around, , tramplingall over the flowerbeds, shattring the serenity of my beautiful sanctuary leaving my garden not so peaceful indeed.
However, after embarking on my personal counselling journey and working on boundaries with my counsellor, I metaphorically erected a gate to my garden. No longer could others freely enter; they had to seek permission, and it was entirely at my discretion to grant or deny access.
Gradually, by setting and keeping relational boundaries with those in my life I nurtured the flowerbeds back to life and my garden became beautifully tranquil once more.
Those who entered were required to adhere to the rules and respect my requests; failure to do so resulted in a gentle request to leave. This metaphrical gate protecting my peaceful garden symbolized the boundaries I had firmly established with those in my life. These boundaries transformed my garden into a happy, peaceful sanctuary for, boundaries are not about building walls but about nurturing spaces of mutual respect such as my garden of peace.
It wasn't always this way, though. I initially had something far more formidable than a mere gate to protect myself from those who disregarded my boundaries or those I couldn't establish boundaries with. I had a blazing, uncontrolled fire. It was a defence mechanism, designed to keep others at bay, as I had no understanding of how to establish relational boundaries. Get too close, and I would scorch and hurt you before allowing you to hurt me. It took hours of counseling to extinguish this fire and construct my garden of peace atop its ashes. During this process, I learned the true essence of relational boundaries—what they entail, how to recognize them, and, most importantly, how to set and maintain them in my interactions with those in my life
So, enough of the analogies Natalie, tell me, what do relational boundaries really look like in practice, come on, give me some examples :
Personal Space
Politely telling someone not to enter your personal space without permission
"I need my personal space and alone time. Please respect that and don't come into my room without asking."
Time
Communicating your availability and setting limits on when you can meet or talk with someone
"I am not constantly available on the phone. I check my calls and messages intermittently and respond when I have the time to"
"I check my emails during specific times of the day. If it's urgent, please call or use our internal chat system."
"I have set working hours from 9 am to 5 pm. Please respect these hours and avoid assigning tasks that require overtime without prior notice."
"I use my work devices for work-related tasks only. Please don't expect me to be constantly available on work channels outside of work hours." I don’t respond to work emails at the weekend.
Work
Clearly defining your job responsibilities and what tasks are not part of your role
"I'm responsible for X tasks. If you want me to take on additional responsibilities, let's discuss how it affects my current workload and compensation."
Social Media
Adjusting your privacy settings or unfriending/unfollowing people who make you uncomfortable
Family
Letting family members know when you need time for yourself or discussing topics that are off-limits for discussion
"We may have different opinions, and that's okay. Let's agree to disagree and avoid trying to change each other's beliefs forcefully."
Friendship
Telling a friend that you can't lend them money or that certain behaviours are unacceptable
"I can be supportive, but I also need you to understand that I have my own emotional needs, and I can't be your sole source of emotional support"
Romantic Relationships
Establishing boundaries regarding personal space, communication, and what is acceptable behavior in the relationship
"Let's communicate openly and honestly about our feelings, but I won't tolerate yelling or name-calling during arguments.
"Time Management: "I value my time, and I need you to be punctual when we make plans together."
"Please do not interrupt me, I was not finished speaking but am ready to hear you once I am done"
"I expect you to respect my privacy by not going through my personal messages or belongings without my permission."
"It's important for me to maintain connections with my friends. I'd like us to have our own separate social lives as well."
"It's important that we set boundaries with other people who might interfere with our relationship. Let's discuss how we want to handle situations involving friends or family."
Self-Care
Prioritizing self-care and saying "no" to commitments that would overwhelm you
"Thank you for thinking of me and for the invitation but I need to decline this time. I look forward to the next time we can hang out together"
Alcohol/Drug Use
Setting limits on your own consumption or expressing discomfort with others using substances around you
"I notice there is substance use when we are together and need to let you know this makes me uncomfortable. I value our time together but have personal reasons for not wanting to be around substances. I appreciate our time together and would love to spend time together where this is not part of the scene"
Online Interactions
Blocking or reporting individuals who engage in harassment or cyberbullying
Are you able to think of some boundaries you would like to put in place? What would it be like to write them down and practice them alone first?
Always keep in mind that setting boundaries is a way to assert your needs and values, all while honouring and respecting the needs and values of others around you. It's an essential skill for nurturing healthy relationships and safeguarding your personal well-being. At its core, setting boundaries is an act of mutual respect, rooted in open and honest communication. It's crucial to have these conversations with a deep sense of empathy and understanding for the other person's needs and boundaries.
Most importantly, one of the most powerful words you can embrace when setting boundaries is a simple ‘‘No’’. Remember ‘‘No’’ is a complete sentence when it comes to setting boundaries -it’s not just a word. You always possess the right to say no, even if it feels uncomfortable. This is a cornerstone of self-care and maintaining balance in your relationships.
Overcoming Challenges When Setting Boundaries
Remember, setting boundaries is a journey that we all undertake, and it’s completely common to face challenges along the way. As we begin to establish boundaries with those who are close to us, it is natural for them to feel surprised, even defensive. They may initially resist, challenge or question the boundaries you are setting, you may experience some pushback to begin with when first communicating boundaries. Please know that this is a common part of the process and precisely why boundaries are necessary.
.In the beginning, setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable, and that is perfectly okay. However, with time and practice, expressing and maintaining boundaries can become more manageable.
It is important to know that you are not alone in this journey, and the discomfort you may initially feel is a sign of growth.
Remember, relational boundaries are an important part of self-care.
Try the below to overcome challenges when establishing boundaries
- Listen to your body check in with your body and see how you feel when you are in conversation with someone. If you feel tense and anxious e.g. clenched jaw, hunched back, racing heartbeat, it means you either need to set a boundary or reinforce one that has been crossed
- Identify your values when you know your values you can realise when someone disrespects them e.g. peer pressure to drink
- Use assertive communication. getting angry or defensive when setting a boundary can make the other person rebel against it
Most importantly, knowing your own needs, values and comfort zones will enable you to recognise and identify what your personal boundaries are, which is a great place to start.
So….
What are your needs?
What are your values?
Seeking Professional Help
In some cases, seeking guidance from a counsellor can be beneficial. Working with a counsellor can help you to identify your needs and values so you are better able to navigate boundary issues by first exploring these in a safe nurturing space such as within the counselling relationship.
In the counselling relationship, boundaries help both client and counsellor to; feel safe, understand the purpose of the relationship and, know what to expect - Exactly what you should feel in all of your relationships outside of counselling.
Practicing boundaries within the counselling relationship can be a positive experience which then enables you to confidently implement relational boundaries outside of sessions in other areas of your life.
Boundaries within the counselling relationship can look like :
Time Boundaries - E.g. an agreed day, time and length of sessions together, cancellation time frames
Session etiquette - An agreement on how both counsellor and client will conduct themselves in sessions e.g. mobile phones switched off, no eating or vaping in sessions
A written agreement / contract - So you know what is expected of each other before and during sessions. This agreement / contract can be a good document to refer back to when boundaries may be neglected
